clean sweep.
Feb. 17th, 2009 | 11:32 am
mood: 
happy
It's such a pretty day. :-)
Well, Bry didn't go spend the night with his Granny the other night cause Jun was sick... but he may go tonight.
Rudy and I want the time alone so we can get the apartment cleaned up and organize our closet and do some laundry.
It's just easier when you don't have to worry about waking up the baby and stopping to entertain him/feed/change him.
:)
Rudy has an appointment at ITT Tech again... this time for his Financial Aid.
I'm so proud of him for going back.
I have to get my stuff for Tech done soon too.
I may try to go up there today depending on how much time we have and if Rudy's mom is going to watch the baby.
I am dreading starting back, but I know I need to.
So yeah.
Well, Bry didn't go spend the night with his Granny the other night cause Jun was sick... but he may go tonight.
Rudy and I want the time alone so we can get the apartment cleaned up and organize our closet and do some laundry.
It's just easier when you don't have to worry about waking up the baby and stopping to entertain him/feed/change him.
:)
Rudy has an appointment at ITT Tech again... this time for his Financial Aid.
I'm so proud of him for going back.
I have to get my stuff for Tech done soon too.
I may try to go up there today depending on how much time we have and if Rudy's mom is going to watch the baby.
I am dreading starting back, but I know I need to.
So yeah.
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being content feels oh so good.
Feb. 10th, 2009 | 03:12 pm
location: my livingrizzle
mood: content
Well... the soy milk seems like it is working a lot better for my Bry Bry. woo!
Soon I have to get all his stuff together cause we're going to eat dinner at Rudy's moms and then Bryce is spending the night.
:-)
I'm gonna miss him sooooooooooo much but the alone time will be good for me and Rudy.
I can't wait until March 16... our two year anniversary. I can't believe we've been together so long... and made it through so much shit.
I'm not sure what we're going to do, but anything will be special.
I have to work on V-day... so we will probably celebrate it on Monday. We wanna see the new Jason movie. Romantic, I know. :-) Everything is going so well for our little family these days. I am so satisfied with life right now. I am dreading starting school again but I have to so I can have a good job to support my son. I am thinking I am going to change my major. I have always wanted to be a nurse but these days I am thinking differently. I want to major in psychology and possibly be a high school teacher. haha... I know, ME... a teacher?! We'll see how it goes but I have been thinking on this a while. Plus I would have Spring Break/Winter Break and all summer with Bryce. That would be great.
I'm ready to get our dang taxes back. We have to go to ITT Tech tomorrow for Rudy and then we're going to file our taxes. I need to make time for Greenville Tech one of these days too. I hope I get a good bit of tax money back... cause I have to give a good chunk of it to Jame's for when he got my car fixed. We'll see what happens...
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Bryce's One Month Checkup
Feb. 5th, 2009 | 02:28 pm
location: couch
mood: 
sleepy
music: tv
He weighs 11lbs. 2oz. and is 22.25 inches long.
Everything looks good with him and he's growing great!
We switched him to soy formula to see if it will be better for his tummy.
Everything looks good with him and he's growing great!
We switched him to soy formula to see if it will be better for his tummy.
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tomorrow, tomorrow...
Feb. 4th, 2009 | 10:34 pm
location: love seat
mood: calm
music: watching the 1st Friday the 13th
Tomorrow is Bryce's check-up at his new doctor.
I'm pretty excited to see how much he has grown since the last time he was weighed and measured.
I hope he doesn't have to get any shots... I think they may wait until next time.
It's hard to believe that he is over 6 weeks old now.
I am so glad that Rudy is a great dad. He helps me out sooooo much with Bry. He is even more amazing than I hoped he would be. I couldn't do it without him.
:-)
I hope that we're both really great parents. I want our son to know that we love him no matter what he does. I want him to know that we will support him in everything even though we may not always agree with him. I want him to feel like he can be honest with us and share things with us. I love Bryce so very much. I can't even put into words how much Rudy and Bryce mean to me. Rudy is my soulmate and Bryce is the love of my life. I think back on mine and Rudy's relationship and I am so glad we made it through everything we made it through. Nothing was easy for us, but now we are getting stronger and closer as each day passes. I can't wait to be a Lewis like my two boys.
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being a mommy..
Jan. 6th, 2009 | 11:17 pm
mood: content
Bryce Owen Lewis
Sunday, December 21, 2008
8lbs. 6oz.
20in. long
I'm completely in love with this little miracle. Let me tell you about the day he entered the world...
Well.. the Thursday before he was born I thought I may be leaking fluid so we decided to go to the hospital around 10:30 that night. I wasn't leaking, but they wanted to keep me overnight because Bryce's heartbeat was skipping. They monitored overnight and decided everything was okay and sent me home Friday morning. (They said a lot of babies do this in the womb..and the abnormality goes away when they're born.) By the way, when we left I was still only dilated 2 and 0 effaced.
So we were getting desperate..and I was more miserable..we walked, ate mexican, etc etc
Anyways, I had a hard time getting to sleep Saturday night and I finally fell asleep around 2. I woke up around 4 and thought I had to potty and when I stood up I felt like my water had broke. I knew it hadn't fully broken because it wasn't a lot, but I had heard of people partially breaking before. I called my mama and we decided to wait a little longer to see if I started having any pains at all. I layed down and ended up falling back asleep. I woke up around 8 and when I stood up, the same thing happened. So we got everything ready and mama came and got us.
So we get to the hospital and they try to tell me once again my water hasn't broken..but this time I knew they were wrong. I was having some pains but nothing major. They were about to release me when mama mentioned about the skipping heart beat. That is when they noticed that every time I had a mild contraction, Bryce's heart beat would drop dramatically. They told me they wanted to do a c-section because they were scared that he wouldn't make it through strong contractions. (I was now only dilated 3 and 60% effaced.) My doctor happened to be on vacation, so another doctor would be performing the surgery. I got really scared because you could tell they were in a hurry and I was so worried about Bryce. I was also upset because only one person could come in the operating room so my mom didn't get to go.
So they begin preping me for the surgery. I think the worst part was the cathader. They wheeled me back to the operating room and Rudy had to put on these blue scrub-type things and wait outside while I got my spinal. I had a really sweet nurse named Tater :) They gave me the spinal which was a piece of cake. Then I had to get an oxygen tube and they called Rudy in. At that point, I'm sure I was looking completely gorgeous. They put this curtain up and waited until I got numb. At that point I started feeling sick to my stomach. I couldn't feel my body at all so they turned my head and Rudy held this thing for me to puke in. I really wasn't puking more than it was like spitting up. I felt pathetic..and they had to use the suction thing everytime I would gag. :-D Anyways, I started feeling better and I didn't even know they had cut me open when I hear, "Here's the head!" Then I see Rudy stand up with this huge smile and just say, "Aww!" They showed him to me and I just kept saying how beautiful he was. Then they had to clean him up. Rudy came and told me his weight and length. His apgar results were an 8 and 9. They gave him to Rudy and he held him while I was being stapled up. I started feeling sick again during all of this because of the medicines they injected into my IV. The room was spinning and I kept feeling like I was going to pass out. I started to worry since I was anemic that I may be losing too much blood. But then everything felt fine again and they were all done. Honestly, besides feeling sick, the c-section was a breeze. They handed Bryce to me and then took a picture of the three of us.
They rolled me down the hallway and I swear half of the universe was waiting on us..but they kicked everyone out. That is when I found out that my dad had came to the hospital and I was so excited. He later even shook hands with Rudy and congratulated him :) They got me settled in the room and Rudy went and got everyone. So then came all the flashes of cameras. Bryce must have been starving because he was sucking on his hands. After everything calmed down, I got to breastfeed for the first time. Bryce did great and latched on right away. I went to burp him and was amazed at how good he held his head up all by himself. They gave him is vitamin K shot and he didn't even cry.
After a long first night, we realized that Bryce wasn't getting enough to eat, so I decided to bottle feed. He got his hearing test...he was above average in both ears. He also got his hepatitis B shot and was weighed again. He lost 3 ounces and then gained back one, then lost one again before we left. The day we left, he got his pictures made in his Santa Claus suit (we left on Christmas Eve). He fell asleep for the car ride home and stayed asleep forever once we got home.
We went to the doctor on Tuesday and found out that he gained 12 ounces since we left the hospital and now weighs 8lbs. 15oz! On his two week birthday he rolled over for the first time. :)
He is just so perfect in every way. He is so smart and strong. He holds his passy in his mouth and pushes it back in when it falls out. He tries to help us feed him too :) He had the longest feet and biggest hands. He's hot-natured like his mommy and doesn't like to be bundled up. A onezie and socks work for him. He is such a great baby. He only cries when something is wrong. He is starting to stay awake longer when he wakes up..but he usually sleeps three to five hours at a time. He has a lot of hair..especially on the back of his head. He loves to lay on his tummy and hold his head up. He loves looking at lights.
I love being a mommy and I'm really getting the hang of it now. I love every minute of it.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
8lbs. 6oz.
20in. long
I'm completely in love with this little miracle. Let me tell you about the day he entered the world...
Well.. the Thursday before he was born I thought I may be leaking fluid so we decided to go to the hospital around 10:30 that night. I wasn't leaking, but they wanted to keep me overnight because Bryce's heartbeat was skipping. They monitored overnight and decided everything was okay and sent me home Friday morning. (They said a lot of babies do this in the womb..and the abnormality goes away when they're born.) By the way, when we left I was still only dilated 2 and 0 effaced.
So we were getting desperate..and I was more miserable..we walked, ate mexican, etc etc
Anyways, I had a hard time getting to sleep Saturday night and I finally fell asleep around 2. I woke up around 4 and thought I had to potty and when I stood up I felt like my water had broke. I knew it hadn't fully broken because it wasn't a lot, but I had heard of people partially breaking before. I called my mama and we decided to wait a little longer to see if I started having any pains at all. I layed down and ended up falling back asleep. I woke up around 8 and when I stood up, the same thing happened. So we got everything ready and mama came and got us.
So we get to the hospital and they try to tell me once again my water hasn't broken..but this time I knew they were wrong. I was having some pains but nothing major. They were about to release me when mama mentioned about the skipping heart beat. That is when they noticed that every time I had a mild contraction, Bryce's heart beat would drop dramatically. They told me they wanted to do a c-section because they were scared that he wouldn't make it through strong contractions. (I was now only dilated 3 and 60% effaced.) My doctor happened to be on vacation, so another doctor would be performing the surgery. I got really scared because you could tell they were in a hurry and I was so worried about Bryce. I was also upset because only one person could come in the operating room so my mom didn't get to go.
So they begin preping me for the surgery. I think the worst part was the cathader. They wheeled me back to the operating room and Rudy had to put on these blue scrub-type things and wait outside while I got my spinal. I had a really sweet nurse named Tater :) They gave me the spinal which was a piece of cake. Then I had to get an oxygen tube and they called Rudy in. At that point, I'm sure I was looking completely gorgeous. They put this curtain up and waited until I got numb. At that point I started feeling sick to my stomach. I couldn't feel my body at all so they turned my head and Rudy held this thing for me to puke in. I really wasn't puking more than it was like spitting up. I felt pathetic..and they had to use the suction thing everytime I would gag. :-D Anyways, I started feeling better and I didn't even know they had cut me open when I hear, "Here's the head!" Then I see Rudy stand up with this huge smile and just say, "Aww!" They showed him to me and I just kept saying how beautiful he was. Then they had to clean him up. Rudy came and told me his weight and length. His apgar results were an 8 and 9. They gave him to Rudy and he held him while I was being stapled up. I started feeling sick again during all of this because of the medicines they injected into my IV. The room was spinning and I kept feeling like I was going to pass out. I started to worry since I was anemic that I may be losing too much blood. But then everything felt fine again and they were all done. Honestly, besides feeling sick, the c-section was a breeze. They handed Bryce to me and then took a picture of the three of us.
They rolled me down the hallway and I swear half of the universe was waiting on us..but they kicked everyone out. That is when I found out that my dad had came to the hospital and I was so excited. He later even shook hands with Rudy and congratulated him :) They got me settled in the room and Rudy went and got everyone. So then came all the flashes of cameras. Bryce must have been starving because he was sucking on his hands. After everything calmed down, I got to breastfeed for the first time. Bryce did great and latched on right away. I went to burp him and was amazed at how good he held his head up all by himself. They gave him is vitamin K shot and he didn't even cry.
After a long first night, we realized that Bryce wasn't getting enough to eat, so I decided to bottle feed. He got his hearing test...he was above average in both ears. He also got his hepatitis B shot and was weighed again. He lost 3 ounces and then gained back one, then lost one again before we left. The day we left, he got his pictures made in his Santa Claus suit (we left on Christmas Eve). He fell asleep for the car ride home and stayed asleep forever once we got home.
We went to the doctor on Tuesday and found out that he gained 12 ounces since we left the hospital and now weighs 8lbs. 15oz! On his two week birthday he rolled over for the first time. :)
He is just so perfect in every way. He is so smart and strong. He holds his passy in his mouth and pushes it back in when it falls out. He tries to help us feed him too :) He had the longest feet and biggest hands. He's hot-natured like his mommy and doesn't like to be bundled up. A onezie and socks work for him. He is such a great baby. He only cries when something is wrong. He is starting to stay awake longer when he wakes up..but he usually sleeps three to five hours at a time. He has a lot of hair..especially on the back of his head. He loves to lay on his tummy and hold his head up. He loves looking at lights.
I love being a mommy and I'm really getting the hang of it now. I love every minute of it.
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on his way....
Dec. 15th, 2008 | 09:33 pm
location: the hizzle
mood: 
anxious
dilated two cm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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birthday.
Nov. 12th, 2008 | 07:06 pm
well rudy's birthday is/was today.
i'm hoping he's having fun cause it's his 21st (and i'm pregnant).
errrrrrrrr.
i got him a flask!!
and this i'm 21 beer cup thingy..
and a nutcracker to add to his collection.
last night we ate at olive garden and saw role models which was pretty darn good.
today we went to th doctor and found out that the baby is in head first position.
woo.
we have like 40 days to go.
i think he's gonna be born within the 17-19th range.
those date just stick out in my head.
well now i'm gonna go do some more cleaning/packing.
i am SOOOOO ready to get this moving jazz over with.
i'm ready to be in the new apartment!
i'm hoping he's having fun cause it's his 21st (and i'm pregnant).
errrrrrrrr.
i got him a flask!!
and this i'm 21 beer cup thingy..
and a nutcracker to add to his collection.
last night we ate at olive garden and saw role models which was pretty darn good.
today we went to th doctor and found out that the baby is in head first position.
woo.
we have like 40 days to go.
i think he's gonna be born within the 17-19th range.
those date just stick out in my head.
well now i'm gonna go do some more cleaning/packing.
i am SOOOOO ready to get this moving jazz over with.
i'm ready to be in the new apartment!
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Halloween and all that jazz..
Oct. 31st, 2008 | 09:17 pm
location: couch
Well tonight is Halloween and we're all dressed up with no place to go.
But that is ok because I'm spending Halloween with my two boys.. I dressed one up and I'll get to dress the other one next year.
I miss my sister!! This is the first Halloween of her whole life that I haven't got to see her. :(
Last night we carved pumpkins and it was lots of super duper fun.
It's the first time I've ever even carved one.
Monday was our doctor appointment.
Everything is well with Bryce... he is about 4 lbs. and 16 or 17 inches long..
So we're getting there.. but he still has some baking left to do.
I'm hoping he'll hold off until AFTER my final exams..that would make life loads easier.
Well..it's almost time to move.
I am so very excited.
I finally found some Precious Moments material so I can make Bryce's curtains.
and and and we got those wooden letters to spell out his name..we're gonna paint those.
and and and we got these little animal things we're going to hang on the wall to go with the whole "Noah's Ark/Precious Moments" theme.
I am so happy about us moving.
It will be our first place together really..like our first real home.
Cause before there was roommates and stuff..I mean even though they have been gone for awhile, this is like a fresh start.
Well...I don't have much left of work until I get my vacation!! Next weekend will be my last FULL weekend.
The 14th will be my baby shower at work..then the 21st will be my last day until after the baby is born!!
I am so excited...I have never had time off like that from work since I started working like three years ago.
Tomorrow is our heavy duty cleaning day...well that and Monday.
Then just more packing and waiting on the 18th to be here so we can move.
I am glad I can take my time packing..doing just a little at a time really helps since I'm so dang tired/sore all the time.
Well, I'm out..gonna go eat the burgers Rudy made for dinner.
Nighty night.
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starting again.
Oct. 16th, 2008 | 01:02 pm
location: bed.
mood: 
contemplative
well...me and rudy had a fun day yesterday...
we had a lunch date. :)
then we went and saw an apartment and loved it so much that we put it an application.
and we were approved!!
so now we can get us a washer and dryer which makes me super duper happy.
so instead of doing more cleaning out and organizing..we're gonna pack up most of the things we really don't need or use.
we're gonna start moving things the whole month of december so that way we should have everything situated before the baby gets here.
:)
now i'm just looking foward to my baby shower, halloween, moving, and the baby being here.
life is pretty grand.
we had a lunch date. :)
then we went and saw an apartment and loved it so much that we put it an application.
and we were approved!!
so now we can get us a washer and dryer which makes me super duper happy.
so instead of doing more cleaning out and organizing..we're gonna pack up most of the things we really don't need or use.
we're gonna start moving things the whole month of december so that way we should have everything situated before the baby gets here.
:)
now i'm just looking foward to my baby shower, halloween, moving, and the baby being here.
life is pretty grand.
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payback.
Oct. 3rd, 2008 | 05:46 pm
location: a chair with wheels.
mood: content
well this past week I accomplished a litte bit.
i cleaned out and organized our bedroom closet..
we got the living room situated to how we want it..
i got all the bills and important papers filed and organized.
:)
i had my diabetes test wednesday and i'm not diabetic!! woo!
but i am anemic :(
boooo!
that means more iron vitamins and those things blow.
but as long as the baby boy is healthy, than i'm happy.
and i'll do anything to keep him just as perfect as i know he will be.
everything else is fine..all my other blood work, blood pressure, his heartbeat, his growth.
my bladder infection is gone..but i still have to take those meds til he's born so it doesn't come back.
damn bladder.
i did very amazing on my bones lab test. it made me very happy.
i did good on the lecture part too..although there is still more room for improvement.
i decided to take microbiology when i go back next summer.
i feel like it's just better that way.
it's a really hard class and i want to be able to concentrate on it fully.
i figure i can take that and some other easy class.
i don't want to bring my grades down in all my other classes because of that class.
i'm excited about having a "vacation" from work and school when bryce gets here.
i know it's not gonna be easy with a screaming baby.. but at least i can spend a little time with him.
i'm planning on being out of work 6 weeks (unless there's complications)
and i'm not going back to tech until summer semester.
i figure it will be more fair to the baby and to myself.
he will need some mommy attention before i have to resume all of my other things.
i was going to take summer semester off too and go back fall..but that poses a problem..
if i wait more than 6 months to go back, i'll have to start paying back my student loan..
and that is money that really needs to go to diapers instead.
i wouldn't have to get a damn student loan if it wasn't for the dumb state regulations.
at least after bryce gets here i can get a pell grant.
so i'll only have one semester of loans to pay back.
either way i'm just ready for him to be here.
i get excited when i see babies out in public.
i think i'm going to be a good mom.
i'm excited to see how rudy will be with him.
i know he's going to be a great daddy. :)
i have to finish my list of things to do..
time is flying by.
this week i'm definately going to start on bryce's room.
it's been our junk room since emily/chad have moved out..
so we've got A LOT of useless shit.
so i have to get it cleaned out..so we can start filling it with bryce's stuff.
i can't wait to get the crib and all that set up.
:)
bryce is already showing the stubborn signs of a man.
he has this whole tummy to move around in, but noooooo...
he wants to stay in my ribs.
and that does not feel very wonderful.
but it's ok..
i'm getting used to it.
my time will come for payback. :)
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things just may be looking up..
Sep. 19th, 2008 | 06:27 pm
location: this place.
mood: anxious
well..maybe God really does listen.
i found out that my job will now give me benefits for when i have to leave for the pregnancy.
all thanks to my boss..she pitched a fit for me.
and they're also not giving me a pay cut anymore.
:)
i am so very happy.
this really gives me some relief.
i have been so stressed over the money issue.
things will still be tight...but not as bad.
woo!
right now bryce seems as if he is trying to kill me.
he feels like he's rolling around in every direction possible.
what little man doesn't understand is that mommy's body is only so big..and there are other organs in there.
i know it's going to be much worse later on.
but it's ok cause it lets me know that he is ok.
microbiology=still crappydumbloadofshit.
anatomy=much better this go round.
prob/stats=gonna get test results on monday.
human growth/development=have 2nd test tonight online.
anthropology=yet to have a test. hopefully it will be smooth sailing..
rudy is still on the prowl for jobs.
:-/
i'm in a better mood than i have been.
but i still have that horrible pelvic pain.
it literally hurts to move.
i wish those stupid meds would work.
i HATE HATE HATE antibiotics..but i want to take them to make this go away so that my baby is ok.
it would be more of an incentive if they actually worked.
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in control?
Sep. 13th, 2008 | 08:02 am
location: a room with 4 walls.
mood: sleepy
things went spinning out of control on tuesday.
i don't think i have ever felt so many emotions at one time.
it's resolved.
for now?
i hope..forever.
microbiology is a big piece of shit.
or at least my teacher is.
i just don't get why we're getting so in depth.
the other teacher is like, "why are ya'll doing this? i haven't taught this in years."
i just want to tell my teacher..this is ONE class in ONE semester..
she went and got a degree to know all she knows.
we're not going to be learning all of that in a couple months.
she's just one of those people who is really smart but cannot fucking explain anything.
i'm that way..i'm horrible at explaining how to do something..that is why i am not/nor ever will be a teacher.
so the pregnancy is going well.
bryce is so active these days :)
it's so weird/amazing to know there is something there that is live.
i mean..he depends on me for everything.
he'll need even more when he's here in our world.
i am completely prepared to give him everything that i can.
i am in love with this tiny little miracle growing inside of me.
rudy has a job interview on tuesday.
i hope and pray that he gets it.
it's great pay..but even if it wasn't, it's a j-o-b.
we could really use this.
hearing that yesterday made my day look up a whole lot.
they told me yesterday at work since i'm working 36 hrs. instead of 40 that they're cutting my pay.
going from 13-something to 10-something.
don't get me wrong..that's amazing for someone my age.. but that is a biiig pay cut.
so i'm losing four hours and getting paid less for doing the same damn job.
i already found out i couldn't get paid maternity leave because of this whole ordeal.
i swear.. you always hear the "work hard and stay in school"..but then you get no help.
i'm pregnant and trying the best i can and all i get is barriers pushed in front of me.
the only option i have to make it "easier" is to move back home.
well...not happening.
the only thing that would solve would be financial problems..but it would create a whole mess of new problems.
plus you always hear from people how hard it is to move back to your parent's after you've been out on your own.
i know what living with them would consist of:
1. curfew
2. not getting to see rudy when i wanted to
well i can't do it.
i can't take our son away from him.
i want him to be there to raise the baby right along with me.
to be able to get up with him at night.. and hold him whenever he wants.
we're a family now.
well next month will be our classes..
we have a lamaze class and a parenting class.
i'm just going to lamaze to learn breathing stuff..believe me, they won't convince me not to get an epidural.
not happening.
i think the parenting class will be good for us too.
i think we're going to take a tour of the hospital too since rudy will be spending a lot of time roaming around i'm sure.
do you blame him?
who wants to be stuck in a room full of women fussing over a newborn.
i might make him wheel me around with him.
nobody will miss us once the baby is here anyways.. we'll have already done our jobs.
:)
i'm very ready for this weekend to be over with.
the days seem to go by so slow..especially when i am working by myself.
i get so sore just from sitting down.
i try to walk around and stuff, but i can only leave my desk for so long before someone is paging me.
i just want to go home and have a relaxing night like last night.
take a hot shower..get some dinner..watch tv..cuddle.
what's up with the gas?
i tried to get some last night on my way home before the price went even higher..
but everywhere i stopped was out.
which i only stopped at two places..but geesh.
the only thing they had was premium.
i hope somebody gets gas before i need to fill up again.
i believe i have enough to get me to and from work one more day..
thank God.
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why i must be lucky.
Sep. 6th, 2008 | 05:05 pm
location: a spinning chair.
mood: content
music: alarms.
so today has been ultra boring.
i found out i made a B on my first human growth && development test.
there were a couple i don't see why i got wrong though.
:-/
anywhooo..
i found out that my nanny's best friend, Barbie, passed away last night.
so please remember her family and friends.
the baby has been moving around like crazyyy today.
he seems to move even more when i start talking to him.
i think he liked our lunch :)
charter is coming on tuesday to hook up the cable!!!
yay, we're moving on up in the world now.
you know, i'm so glad things are the way they are right now.
i mean, i have a lot of problems..
expecially financially.
but i know that things happen for a reason and some how, we will get through it.
i just hope everything gets worked out with school and all the bull poo they put you through at tech.
i am most thankful though that my baby is growing and healthy.
i am also thankful that i have a loving, supporting boyfriend in my life.
when i feel like giving up, he always pushes me further.
for that, i must be lucky.
so i will go for now.. since i said a lot of nothing today.
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when words are worse than actions.
Sep. 5th, 2008 | 04:48 pm
location: work.
mood: 
depressed
music: machines.
last night was pure hell.
i was sad at something i found out.. but then i found worse.
i should have never looked at what wasn't mine to look at.
funny thing is, the first "problem" doesn't even bother me.
it's the second thing that kills me.
why be married to someone if you're going to talk to other men like that?
you do not deserve your husband or to be "happily married" if you are willing to go outside your relationship.
maybe you never physically acted on anything.. but words are cheating too.
especially when it's something you wouldn't say if someone was watching you say it.
one of the few females i had no problem with.
i knew ya'll had "history" but that didn't bother me.
but now that officially puts you on my hate list.
i know you're not the only guilty party.. but you're one of them.
you'll be around, i'm sure.
and i'm sure you two will cross paths.. but i'm hoping that last nights revelations put a stop to anything that could ever happen.
so go on with your "happy marriage".
i hope your husband finds out about you before you totally break his heart.
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words that break your heart.
Sep. 4th, 2008 | 08:44 pm
location: love seat.
mood: sad
music: grandma's boy.
this is going to be a bitch session.
i hate everything right now.
i just feel so discouraged.
all i do is work and go to school.
school is hard and bullshit..
i get paid for working my ass off and all that money goes to bills.
i wish i could be like some people and still get to have fun and do what i want and not have to work.
i could live at home and have no bills but then i would just be back in jail and never get to do anything i want to do.
you people think it's so hard to have to deal with all these problems..
well try having all your problems you have now, plus be hormonal, and have to worry how the hell you're going to pay your bills.
i don't even know if i'm going to get my loan in time to pay the book store for my books.
they'll automatically withdraw that money from my bank account.. so what then?
then i have to be out of work after the baby gets here..6 weeks.. maybe longer..no paycheck for all that time..
what do i do then?
then i read something i could have gone without reading.
i don't know what to do about it.
all i know is i felt my stomach drop and my heart pound.
i know he doesn't mean it that way.. but seeing that broke my heart into a million little pieces.
this hurts like hell.
everytime i think about it, i just tear up again.
i was trying to do good and make friends, but maybe it's a good idea just to not talk to anyone.
it wasn't her though.
it was what he said.
that's the part that i don't want to live with.
i can't wait for my son to be here.
to know someone can love me like that.. unconditionally and will always love me.. that's one amazing feeling.
i'm going to be the best mother that i can be.
i hope that i make him proud to belong to me.
i hope he always knows how much i love him and that i will always be there when he needs me.
i hope nobody ever breaks his heart,
i can't bear the thought of my child ever knowing what heartbreak feels like.
i just need some sort of something to keep me going.
believe me.. everything i do is for my baby.. but idk, i just feel so useless sometimes.
like nothing will ever be perfect.
no matter what i do, i'll never be enough.
i hate everything right now.
i just feel so discouraged.
all i do is work and go to school.
school is hard and bullshit..
i get paid for working my ass off and all that money goes to bills.
i wish i could be like some people and still get to have fun and do what i want and not have to work.
i could live at home and have no bills but then i would just be back in jail and never get to do anything i want to do.
you people think it's so hard to have to deal with all these problems..
well try having all your problems you have now, plus be hormonal, and have to worry how the hell you're going to pay your bills.
i don't even know if i'm going to get my loan in time to pay the book store for my books.
they'll automatically withdraw that money from my bank account.. so what then?
then i have to be out of work after the baby gets here..6 weeks.. maybe longer..no paycheck for all that time..
what do i do then?
then i read something i could have gone without reading.
i don't know what to do about it.
all i know is i felt my stomach drop and my heart pound.
i know he doesn't mean it that way.. but seeing that broke my heart into a million little pieces.
this hurts like hell.
everytime i think about it, i just tear up again.
i was trying to do good and make friends, but maybe it's a good idea just to not talk to anyone.
it wasn't her though.
it was what he said.
that's the part that i don't want to live with.
i can't wait for my son to be here.
to know someone can love me like that.. unconditionally and will always love me.. that's one amazing feeling.
i'm going to be the best mother that i can be.
i hope that i make him proud to belong to me.
i hope he always knows how much i love him and that i will always be there when he needs me.
i hope nobody ever breaks his heart,
i can't bear the thought of my child ever knowing what heartbreak feels like.
i just need some sort of something to keep me going.
believe me.. everything i do is for my baby.. but idk, i just feel so useless sometimes.
like nothing will ever be perfect.
no matter what i do, i'll never be enough.
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my inspiration.
Sep. 3rd, 2008 | 11:06 pm
location: love seat.
mood: 
okay
music: some song on the xbox.
so we went to the doctor today and everything is great with little baby.
:)
then i got to come home a take a GUURReat nap.
then i went to school and it got me thinking..
i still want to be a nurse, but i want more than that too.
i mean, i've always loved other sciences like psychology, sociology, anthropology..
idk, i just feel like they are really for me.
but that would be a huge leap from one thing to another.
plus i have my son to worry about now and nursing would be a great salary.
i think i'm still going to do nursing but take it further.
maybe after i get my degree, i can take other classes i'm interested in and get a degree in a clinical science.
who knows? i may be a psychologist or something.
it sucks because i am usually so sure about everything i want.
all that matters now though is my baby.
everything i am doing (and will do) is for him.
:)
then i got to come home a take a GUURReat nap.
then i went to school and it got me thinking..
i still want to be a nurse, but i want more than that too.
i mean, i've always loved other sciences like psychology, sociology, anthropology..
idk, i just feel like they are really for me.
but that would be a huge leap from one thing to another.
plus i have my son to worry about now and nursing would be a great salary.
i think i'm still going to do nursing but take it further.
maybe after i get my degree, i can take other classes i'm interested in and get a degree in a clinical science.
who knows? i may be a psychologist or something.
it sucks because i am usually so sure about everything i want.
all that matters now though is my baby.
everything i am doing (and will do) is for him.
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the college that (doesn't) work.
Sep. 2nd, 2008 | 05:57 pm
location: floor.
mood: 
bitchy
music: rudy's game.
ew.
that's the word that comes to mind.
she's one of those teachers that gives the tests on shit she didn't even go over.
haven't had a test in there yet.. but it's obvious what's to come.
she makes these power points and just reads them to us in class.
bitch, i can read. TEACH me something while i'm there.
if i get my lazy, fat, pregnant ass up and come to class, then i expect to learn something.
on the other hand.. my lab teacher is awesome.
wish i had her for lecture.
so pretty much, most teachers want you to teach yourselves at tech.
most get their tests from pre-made questions and read off of stupid outlines that a 4-year old can make.
err.
i just don't get it.
plus financial aid has yet to come through.
all they can say is "it will be a while" when i ask when i'm going to hear something.
i still don't understand why i have to use my parent's tax info. when i don't even live with them.
if it wasn't for that, i could get pell.
so basically in order to be "INDEPENDENT" (even if you live and support your-fuckin-self) you have to:
1. be 25
2. get married
3. have a baby
so when bryce gets here, mommy can go to school without having to get a loan and be in 34768939567 dollars worth of debt.
it's so gayy.
anyways. i guess i'm going to get some clothes on and me and rudy are going to find him a decent job. or a better one. whatever.
peace and love.
to some of you anyways.
that's the word that comes to mind.
she's one of those teachers that gives the tests on shit she didn't even go over.
haven't had a test in there yet.. but it's obvious what's to come.
she makes these power points and just reads them to us in class.
bitch, i can read. TEACH me something while i'm there.
if i get my lazy, fat, pregnant ass up and come to class, then i expect to learn something.
on the other hand.. my lab teacher is awesome.
wish i had her for lecture.
so pretty much, most teachers want you to teach yourselves at tech.
most get their tests from pre-made questions and read off of stupid outlines that a 4-year old can make.
err.
i just don't get it.
plus financial aid has yet to come through.
all they can say is "it will be a while" when i ask when i'm going to hear something.
i still don't understand why i have to use my parent's tax info. when i don't even live with them.
if it wasn't for that, i could get pell.
so basically in order to be "INDEPENDENT" (even if you live and support your-fuckin-self) you have to:
1. be 25
2. get married
3. have a baby
so when bryce gets here, mommy can go to school without having to get a loan and be in 34768939567 dollars worth of debt.
it's so gayy.
anyways. i guess i'm going to get some clothes on and me and rudy are going to find him a decent job. or a better one. whatever.
peace and love.
to some of you anyways.
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shopping, moms, and books.
Sep. 1st, 2008 | 09:36 pm
location: on the love seat.
mood: relaxed
music: rudy's game.
well i did some shopping to kill time tonight.
got started christmas shopping cause i know i'll be too busy with last minute pregnant stuff to do it later.
then i bought some holiday decorations.
(can't wait for halloween)
i found rudy a Carolina shirt @ walmart.. so i had to buy it for him.
now i'm just watching rudy play mercenaries and drinking my cherry limeade.
there are so many dumb people in this world.
like some lady was calling for her kid in goodwill and he ran past me and she found him..
then she looks at me and says "well you could have said you saw him"
i'm like.. one. i didn't know it was your kid and 2. it's your job to keep up with your damn kid, not mine.
i swear.
my kid will know not to run off from me anyways.
i bought baby bryce some books tonight.
i'm gonna go ahead and start reading some to him sometimes.. since they say he can hear people talk to him now.
if that's the case, he's gonna be the smartest kid ever because i read all my school stuff out loud.
well tomorrow is microbiology.. and then me and rudy are going job hunting so he can get something wayyy better than kmart.
peace.
got started christmas shopping cause i know i'll be too busy with last minute pregnant stuff to do it later.
then i bought some holiday decorations.
(can't wait for halloween)
i found rudy a Carolina shirt @ walmart.. so i had to buy it for him.
now i'm just watching rudy play mercenaries and drinking my cherry limeade.
there are so many dumb people in this world.
like some lady was calling for her kid in goodwill and he ran past me and she found him..
then she looks at me and says "well you could have said you saw him"
i'm like.. one. i didn't know it was your kid and 2. it's your job to keep up with your damn kid, not mine.
i swear.
my kid will know not to run off from me anyways.
i bought baby bryce some books tonight.
i'm gonna go ahead and start reading some to him sometimes.. since they say he can hear people talk to him now.
if that's the case, he's gonna be the smartest kid ever because i read all my school stuff out loud.
well tomorrow is microbiology.. and then me and rudy are going job hunting so he can get something wayyy better than kmart.
peace.
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labor day weekend.
Sep. 1st, 2008 | 12:39 pm
location: home.
mood: lazy
music: a movie.
so this weekend was decent cause i only had to work friday and saturday.
although saturday was sucky cause machines were down so there wasn't much to do.
saturday night was pippi's party.
me, rudy, aj, kris, and buddy went to that.
we left kind of early though cause kris and buddy were ready to.
then me and rudy went and ate at waffle house :)
last night we saw death race and i thought it was pretty good.
then we came home and i drank me some sparkling grape juice in a wine glass.. since i'm pretty limited these days.
the baby has been moving all over the place this morning.
sometimes he lays in spots that literally kill me.
i get nervous about having him sometimes.
i know once he gets here that i'll be ok.. it's just getting him here that scares me.
i just really hope nothing goes wrong and i hope i'm not in labor like 673787542 hours.
i also can't wait for rudy for hold him for the first time.
i think that is going to be one of those "defining moments" in life.
so today we're probably going over to rudy's moms to watch the ben 10 marathon.
gotta wait until the 9th for our cable :(
well i'm going to go get rudy's pizza outta the oven.
laterrr.
although saturday was sucky cause machines were down so there wasn't much to do.
saturday night was pippi's party.
me, rudy, aj, kris, and buddy went to that.
we left kind of early though cause kris and buddy were ready to.
then me and rudy went and ate at waffle house :)
last night we saw death race and i thought it was pretty good.
then we came home and i drank me some sparkling grape juice in a wine glass.. since i'm pretty limited these days.
the baby has been moving all over the place this morning.
sometimes he lays in spots that literally kill me.
i get nervous about having him sometimes.
i know once he gets here that i'll be ok.. it's just getting him here that scares me.
i just really hope nothing goes wrong and i hope i'm not in labor like 673787542 hours.
i also can't wait for rudy for hold him for the first time.
i think that is going to be one of those "defining moments" in life.
so today we're probably going over to rudy's moms to watch the ben 10 marathon.
gotta wait until the 9th for our cable :(
well i'm going to go get rudy's pizza outta the oven.
laterrr.